In
this article will explore just a few of many pointers on how to improve your
body language. You can learn much more about improving your social life and
relationships in my Simplicity course (there is a written guide that
is close to 50 pages long + a social skills workbook included in that course)
and in The Power of Positivity.
Now,
improving your body language can make a big difference in your people skills,
attractiveness and general mood.
There is no specific advice on how to use
your body language. What you do might be interpreted in several ways, depending
on the setting and who you are talking to. You’ll probably want to use your
body language differently when talking to your boss compared to when you talk
to a girl/guy you’re interested in. These are some common interpretations of
body language and often more effective ways to communicate with your body.
First, to change your body language you
must be aware of your body language. Notice how you sit, how you stand, how you
use you hands and legs, what you do while talking to someone.
You might want to practice in front of a
mirror. Yeah, it might seem silly but no one is watching you. This will give
you good feedback on how you look to other people and give you an opportunity
to practise a bit before going out into the world.
Another tip is to close your eyes and
visualize how you would stand and sit to feel confident, open and relaxed or
whatever you want to communicate. See yourself move like that version of
yourself. Then try it out.
You might also want observe friends, role
models, movie stars or other people you think has good body language. Observe
what they do and you don’t. Take bits and pieces you like from different
people. Try using what you can learn from them.
Some of these tips might seem like you are
faking something. But fake it til you make it is a useful way to learn
something new. And remember, feelings work backwards too. If you smile a bit
more you will feel happier. If you sit up straight you will feel more energetic
and in control. If you slow down your movements you’ll feel calmer. Your
feelings will actually reinforce your new behaviours and feelings of weirdness
will dissipate.
In the beginning easy it’s to exaggerate
your body language. You might sit with your legs almost ridiculously far apart
or sit up straight in a tense pose all the time. That’s ok. And people aren’t
looking as much as you think, they are worrying about their own problems. Just
play around a bit, practice and monitor yourself to find a comfortable balance.
1. Don’t cross
your arms or legs – You have probably already heard you
shouldn’t cross your arms as it might make you seem defensive or guarded. This
goes for your legs too. Keep your arms and legs open.
2. Have eye
contact, but don’t stare – If there are several people you are
talking to, give them all some eye contact to create a better connection and
see if they are listening. Keeping too much eye-contact might creep people out.
Giving no eye-contact might make you seem insecure. If you are not used to
keeping eye-contact it might feel a little hard or scary in the beginning but
keep working on it and you’ll get used to it.
3. Don’t be afraid
to take up some space – Taking up space by for example sitting
or standing with your legs apart a bit signals self-confidence and that you are
comfortable in your own skin.
4. Relax your
shoulders – When you feel tense it’s easily winds up as tension
in your shoulders. They might move up and forward a bit. Try to relax. Try to
loosen up by shaking the shoulders a bit and move them back slightly.
5. Nod when they
are talking – nod once in a while to signal that you are
listening. But don’t overdo it and peck like Woody Woodpecker.
6. Don’t slouch,
sit up straight – but in a relaxed way, not in a too
tense manner.
7. Lean, but not
too much – If you want to show that you are interested in what
someone is saying, lean toward the person talking. If you want to show that
you’re confident in yourself and relaxed lean back a bit. But don’t lean in too
much or you might seem needy and desperate for some approval. Or lean back too
much or you might seem arrogant and distant.
8. Smile and laugh –
lighten up, don’t take yourself too seriously. Relax a bit, smile and laugh
when someone says something funny. People will be a lot more inclined to listen
to you if you seem to be a positive person. But don’t be the first to laugh at
your own jokes, it makes you seem nervous and needy. Smile when you are
introduced to someone but don’t keep a smile plastered on your face, you’ll
seem insincere.
9. Don’t touch
your face – it might make you seem nervous and can be
distracting for the listeners or the people in the conversation.
10. Keep your head
up – Don’t keep your eyes on the ground, it might make
you seem insecure and a bit lost. Keep your head up straight and your eyes
towards the horizon.
11. Slow down a
bit – this goes for many things. Walking slower not only
makes you seem more calm and confident, it will also make you feel less
stressed. If someone addresses you, don’t snap your neck in their direction,
turn it a bit more slowly instead.
12. Don’t fidget and
try to avoid, phase out or transform fidgety movement and nervous ticks such as
shaking your leg or tapping your fingers against the table rapidly. You’ll seem
nervous and fidgeting can be a distracting when you try to get something
across. Declutter your movements if you are all over the place. Try to relax,
slow down and focus your movements.
13. Use your hands
more confidently instead of fidgeting with your hands and
scratching your face use them to communicate what you are trying to say. Use
your hands to describe something or to add weight to a point you are trying to
make. But don’t use them to much or it might become distracting. And don’t let
your hands flail around, use them with some control.
14. Lower your
drink. Don’t hold your drink in front of your chest. In fact,
don’t hold anything in front of your heart as it will make you seem guarded and
distant. Lower it and hold it beside your leg instead.
15. Realise where
you spine ends – many people (including me until
recently) might sit or stand with a straight back in a good posture. However,
they might think that the spine ends where the neck begins and therefore crane
the neck forward in a Montgomery Burns-pose. Your
spine ends in the back of your head. Keep you whole spine straight and aligned
for better posture.
16. Don’t stand
too close –one of the things we learned from Seinfeld is that
everybody gets weirded out by a close-talker. Let people have their personal
space, don’t invade it.
17. Mirror –
Often when you get along with a person, when the two of you get a good
connection, you will start to mirror each other unconsciously. That means that
you mirror the other person’s body language a bit. To make the connection
better you can try a bit of proactive mirroring. If he leans forward, you might
lean forward. If she holds her hands on her thighs, you might do the same. But
don’t react instantly and don’t mirror every change in body language. Then
weirdness will ensue.
18. Keep a good
attitude – last but not least, keep a positive, open and
relaxed attitude. How you feel will come through in your body language and can
make a major difference. For information on how make yourself feel better read 10 ways to change how you feel.
You can change your body language but as
all new habits it takes a while. Especially things like keeping you head up
might take time to correct if you have spent thousands of days looking at your
feet. And if you try and change to many things at once it might become
confusing and feel overwhelming.
Take a couple of these body language bits
to work on every day for three to four weeks. By then they should have
developed into new habits and something you’ll do without even thinking about
it. If not, keep on until it sticks. Then take another couple of things you’d
like to change and work on them.
